Negativity

This is something that comes so naturally to me, that's its a permanently ongoing battle to stop myself slipping back into bad habits.

I have worked really hard on this side of myself as, not only is it destructive, it is draining on the soul. I have been doing really well, my change in eating and lifestyle has contributed to the success no end. What I have found is that, along with losing the focus I have talked about in a few of my recent post, I have lost the ease with which the positivity is coming to me.

One of my worst negative traits, and one I know a considerable number of people struggle with is envy.  You lose focus on what u have and spend all your time focusing on what others have that you don't. Its such a stupid and pointless thing, it irritates me just thinking about it.  The biggest one for me is around horses, I lost my superstar a couple of years ago. He was a jumping machine, my ladies are truly amazing but they don't have the scope to go out and do the things I really enjoy, through no fault of their own I might add.  I had a brilliant day out with Lara yesterday, just getting her back into competing after being off all winter, but we are rarely in with a chance competitively and I struggle with that.  Its not because she is useless or naughty, she is just incredibly laid back and I have to be careful how much I ask of her due to old injuries she sustained as a baby.  I get so focused on how it makes other people view me, that I lose sight of what it is we are actually achieving.

This horse had a broken leg at a week old, sustained a further injury to her other leg whilst being treated for the break and was semi paralysed for months and affected by it forever. We have been close to having her put to sleep for numerous reasons on numerous occasions and we were told she would be crippled with arthritis by the time she was 7 and she is now almost 10.

Its funny what comes easily in life is normally a bad thing. I'm in a bit of a rut, I'm annoyed by it because I'm in an amazing place with amazing things happening. I'm working on it again though and I need to remember this whilst building myself back to a good place.  Its just another reminder that you should never take anything for granted!!

Anyway, just enjoying a beautiful avocado with pastrami and we had a great ride in, weather is amazing and everything is going well for the wedding!! Such an ungrateful madam!

its all about the wedding

As planned, this week has all been about getting on top of wedding stuff and that is exactly what we have done. We have got absolutely loads done and definitely made the most of our time.  Its amazing  just how long the fiddly little bits take and there are still loads of things we can't do just yet.

We have done a trail run on the tables and we're really pleased with the outcome, we were a little weird at first that it was little bear but adding in the plants made a heap of difference.  I really struggle to see past things which is why I have to do a full on trial run with things.  Is really exciting seeing all of or ideas come together and as the garden grows it becomes more am more obvious that is all going to look amazing!

Tom testing out his artistic talent

Me testing out mine!

I have been feeling like I have lost focus on my fitness and diet recently, I don't really know why but I just don't feel on track.  I think there are a few contributory factors; Toms new job means that he doesn't get home until much later now so doesn't have the time he did to prepare tea and free up time to make lunches, I had that spell when hurt my back and could do nothing, I am still recovering from that and my job is such hard work at the minute that the last thing I want to do with any spare time is have a good think about what I am going to eat or what macros I was short of.  It really takes a huge amount of effort to plan healthy eating, the frustrating thing is its something I love spending the time on.  I assumed that my job stress wasn't having a negative impact on me, this week off has proven otherwise and just shows that I really need to get a grip of it all fast.

This week we have concentrated on diet again and I do feel a lot better, the problem is that I go back on Monday and have a feeling it will all just start again.  For some reason I hate doing meal plans ahead of time, I like to wait and see what inspires me on the day.  I have been having a lot more fresh fruit again with my breakfast which I think has made me feel a lot better..  I have had mortally worse mood swings this month and been sooo irritable, this is soothing I haven't suffered with in such a long time an is just another indication to me that I need to get back on it.  We are also going to try and do my mate Jo's  boot camp every Wednesday evening, see how my body copes. I really miss this sort of exercise and feel I am ready to try once more, I will make sure that I don't attempt any of the exercises that I know will aggravate my issues as its just not worth it.

Beautiful tuna steak with homemade rocket pesto 

Cheeky treat, there's fruit so must be OK

fantastic homemade chilli with gleuten free bread.

first attempt of savoury, chilli cornbread. Superb

Toms artistic flare takes flight once more

Tonights tea, turkey and chickpea meat balls with yogurt and mint sauce. Love this combo

Its been great to get the opportunity to think about food again and focus on things that i enjoy again.  It really needs to be operation sort my head out now.  The week out has definitely been a wake up call for me so i am going to do my best to stay awake!

Amazing weekend

We've had a double bank holiday weekend this weekend and we've had a fantastic time.  Friday morning we got up early and went out for a beautiful ride, it was a crisp and, misty morning with the sun working its way through the cover

The sun burnt through pretty quickly and revealed a flawless blue sky for the rest of the day.  We did some chilling out on the grass with Sammy, which was really nice. We rarely get much time to sit and do nothing, granted we didn't do nothing for very long but it was what we needed.

Its great watching everything come to life in the garden again, it really refreshes the faith that everywhere is going to look absolutely amazing for our wedding day.

Gunerra before it turns into the giant it is meant to be, I love this plant.

Friday evening we had tea with Nic and Tony and went out to watch Much Ado About Nothing at the Royal Exchange theater in Manchester.  It was a modern adaptation and it was absolutely fantastic.

Early start Saturday morning to male sure we got to the camp site early enough.  8am we were there and pitching in readiness to walk Snowdon.  Nic had managed to get herself some blisters from walking the day before, which was a slight worry but she was desperate to walk it, so we carried on! We took Sammy with us and all set off about 9.30.  We headed out onto Watkin path, Sammy isn't renowned for his good behaviour on a lead so I ended up at quite a pace and as the terrain got more rocky, it was easier to run up in stages than it was to try and make him wait.  I felt fantastic, really strong and pain free; bonus! The last part of what is thought to be the hardest route up Snowdon was pretty hardcore, it was the steepest part and it was loose shale. Even Sammy had to slow himself down a bit!

We couldn't have hoped for better weather, another amazing day that meant the views were stunning and the temperature was ideal, I even got my arms out until we switched down the other side along the miners path and it was bitter!

 

Job done!

The last picture was taken just after we had hurtled down the last part of the route down. Walking down hill causes me considerable pain normally anyway, doing it slowly causes me even more, so obviously the only way to get around that is to do it really quickly. The added bonus here is that it is unbeliveably good fun! The doenside; neither of us can walk today! I was in agony yesterday, Tom caught up today. We've been hobbling around like cowboys today!

Today has been another cracking day and we have done a fair few wedding related things today too. So all in all, a great weekend! 

Focus

This really is something that I have struggled with this year, mainly down to injury I think and I just can't see any results currently which is frustrating.  Once I start to feel better I want to push it, but then I injure myself. So currently, I just feel like I'm messing about.

I need to get back into a good routine, I feel unhealthy at the minute and like I'm carrying excess weight that I just can't shift. I little bit of a dramatic way to feel, but I just can't shift it at the moment. I have a couple of days where I feel good again but it doesn't last. My diet isn't as great as it should be, I'm still not eating refined sugar as a rule, but I have had a couple of blips recently and feel like I have let myself down; this feeling being the result.

Tom is working different hours too which means he hasn't got time to dedicate to making our evening meals and lunches and I am so busy, I don't even get chance to plan ahead to what I want for the day. Result being that my macros are all over the place and I have a pot belly and lethargy to prove it.

I am in the process of sanitising my working day, I was drowning in the black hole of emails which I have put a stop to. I now only read them twice a day and I have communicated this around the company.  Sticking to my guns is quite tricky as I have to have my mailbox open for the support inbox as customers send request into there.

My next step is to clarify my role and percentages of time I should be applying to different areas. I can then cut my day up accordingly. I think I will then feel like I am achieving something rather than treading water. I always thought of myself as an organised person but it got to the point where I felt like I was running around with my arms in the air and achieving nothing. Reality check, it has to stop as its taking me over and that is not something I am willing to let happen, the moment it starts to affect my life outside of the office is the moment things have to change.

Outside of this, we need to get a better system for our weeks. I am happier now I get to finish at 4.30 twice a week. It means I know I am going to have two late finishes and dedicate my time to my horses properly, which is important to me. We need to get a better system in place for lunches and teas. I am at the point in my quest, that I am actually seeing the nutrition balance as way more important to me than the eating of nice food that has taken me a while to come up with and make, that's what we can use our weekend for. In this vein, I want to see if I can find a genuine, healthy, meal replacement drink. I don't want a diet one, I don't want one that's full of crap. I want one that hits all my nutrition needs in a healthy and hopefully organic way. 

I haven't spent a lot of time looking yet as I just don't get any time to do anything of any substance at the moment, burn its definitely something I want to do.  There is a product that is being developed known as Solent, its a total meal replacement and just hits all your vitamin, mineral and nutritional needs in one drink. My only issue with this is that A) it isn't on the general market right now B) it isn't made from whole foods, it is the refined extracts of said nutritional requirements.  This alone makes me a little uneasy. I need something to change quick smart though.

I am going to put in place a proper 6 week fat stripling plan before the wedding. It was something I wanted to avoid by reducing my body fat over the six months run up, but that's just gone to pot. Its a good job we have a week off coming up, I feel a little like I'm drowning at that is my light at the end of the tunnel. There is some serious planning required so we don't just waste the week!

We are walking Snowdon with my mate Nic and her new beau on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to that, I know I will end up eating crap if I'm not careful and I need to be careful. Planning and prep on Friday day is the key.  The negative impact on my life when I'm not careful just isn't worth it to me.  People tell me to live a little and enjoy myself; being healthy and achieving my goals is me living a lot and loving it.

well, that was boring...

Or not! I don't think I had to say that after a weekend in a very long time.

As always, it was jam packed. I felt really lazy on Saturday. We are both really struggling with the 5am starts, 7days a week atm. I think we just need some rest and recuperation but fitting that in seems like such a ball ache!! We had to nip to the market to get some more wedding related items and we had a relax for a short while in one of the coffee shops, before attempting to get my engagement ring resized.  I say attempting, every person that has a forge hot enough to work the steel used for horseshoes has pulled a face when asked to make the ring a bit smaller. Simple task as it wasn't a complete circle and just needed closing up. It annoyed me so much that I took a hammer to it, job done.  I don't know why it never crossed my mind to do that before! Its a little bit wonky but my finger isnt perfectly round anyway!

Saturday afternoon we had my sister and the kids over, we were meant to be having Tom's side over too but as I have already mentioned, his dad had a tumble so needed looking after.  The lasagne I sweated over was nice, not mind blowing and I feel totally bloated still now as we had loads left for lunches and teas for the next few days.

Sunday was horsey day, again we managed to wake up at 5 and then fall back to sleep so we were a little behind.  Tom had a lesson which went amazingly well and I took Lara out to Somerford. First time the wagon has been out and about for a while! Afternoon was all wedding prep so that when we are off in a week, we can do stuff other than wedding prep! One of the days has already been put down as sleep day!

My back was killing me last night, not totally sure why but something to do with sitting badly on the train on Friday and then hammering it on Sunday I'd imagine.  Ice to the rescue and we cycled in today. I felt good so fingers crossed I won't crash again on the way home tonight!

Crash

I experience my first real blood sugar crash on Wednesday evening. We cycled to work and whilst I was a little sore from TRX, I felt pretty good and knocked another 5mins off our time.  I had a crazy busy day in the office and basically didn't eat enough and about half way home on the bikes I ran out of steam.

Its a really strange sensation, it wasn't even like my muscles were hurting or felt particularly tired, there was just no strength anywhere. Tom normally carries energy tablets in his bag as he suffers quite regularly with these dips, but he had run out.  I didn't feel dizzy or shaky, I just had the energy and strength of a new born lamb! Tom pushed me the last few hundred metres, I was that bad!! Once I got off, I felt like I was drunk!! Lesson learnt there!

On the positive side of life, my back didn't ache at all whilst riding!!

We were in the gym yesterday morning as I knew I couldn't make it today (trip to london with work) wow I was sore and tight but I was also fairly strong in my core.  I managed to sustain a good position whilst in my headstand and even managed to get the variation of bending one leg at a time whilst holding my form. I was a little concerned as this was what I suspected did my the damage before!! Starting to feel good again though and that is most definitely what counts!

Busy weekend ahead, the weather today is glorious so lets hope it continues. I really want to try and compete on Sunday too so a typically busy weekend awaits! Happy Friday everyone

Back to it

In typical me style, feeling stronger automatically means that I must push myself too far.  Tom and I did a mini TRX circuit this morning and I can really feel it in my back, damn it.  I am undecided if it is broken pain or just fatigue pain. I did try and be careful this morning an didn't put 100% in, but it seems that lately! my body is really quite easily offended.

I rode the horses tonight too and it felt ok, not great, but ok. I have ice gelled it and taken some ibuprofen so we shall see.  We are cycling in in the morning, nothing like the make or break approach! I really need to get out of this rut, I need to check back on here but I am sure my back pain must be getting on for 5 weeks now and my SI joint has been possibly triple that. Seems like that like swine is here to stay for a while.  I did feel pretty good during my workout though which is always good, I now have shooting pains radiating around my left glute and pelvic region.. All in a standard day for me atm, could be considerably worse though so counting my lucky stars.

A typically busy week ahead and I am hoping to take one of the horses competing on Sunday, no let up on the weekend.  Situations allowing, we may be going to Go Ape in Saturday too if Toms family can make it.  His dad took a nasty fall down the stairs so it depends on how he is getting on, it is taking a few of them to look after him because he has done some considerable damage to his knee poor thing.

One of my biggest aims this year on a personal growth note is to improve my management and delegation skills.  I am dreadful at delegating anything, it's half the reason I am permanently busy.  I think a lot of it stems from me needing to improve my verbal communication skills, I find it really easy to write stuff but much harder to order my thoughts whilst verbilising.  It's strange how in this day and age, where we have a hundred different ways to communicate, that I do believe we are losing the art of communication and a more intimate way.  By intimate, I don't mean loved ones, I mean the ones we interact with daily. It's also down to a total lack of patience, I find myself not being able to spend the time trying to explain something to someone, when I can just do it myself.  As I write this I realise that this is going to be a fairly mammoth task to achieve and will be something that is going to take a lot of hard work and determination.

I wonder if, when I am lying in my death bed, hopefully in many, many years to come; I will reflect on my life and be happy with what I have achieved.  I hope so, for many years I felt like I had done nothing and achieved the same;  I now feel proud of myself for sticking to something and getting it done.  I will continue to strive to impress myself , I think that that is the key, rather than striving to please others.   I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself.

Long time!

It seems like forever since I last post, it is only over a week but I have found myself missing it.  I have had a fairly heavy cold and have been insanely busy.  I thought it was too good to be true that I have managed to miss all the illnesses recently.  I haven't felt dreadful with this one, just incredibly congested.

My inability to push myself in my workouts has started to really get me down, it feels like one thing after another at the moment and I feel like I am really falling behind on my progress.  I put on a few pounds from drinking the other weekend and haven't managed to shift it and I generally just feel nasty.  My back, this cold and numerous other ailments have been holding me back and it's bugging the shit out of me.  I was in a dreadful mood yesterday afternoon and still this morning and I really do  think it is down to a lack of structure and hard work on my workouts.

I am starting to feel stronger in myself again though and made a point of pushing myself a little bit more today and just feel so much better. We are back at the gym again in the morning and I am hoping to get at least on day cycling in this week.  We attempted to take the bikes home last week but Tom got a puncture that we couldn't repair so we ended up getting the team home and I brought the bikes back another day! 

I am definitely getting myself back on track this week, blog, exercise and diet wise.  I quite simply do not work when I let any part of it slip.  Blogging is a way for me to order my thoughts a little and review everything that I am doing and I feel like I have lost touch a little with what makes me work recently, this is not something I want to happen, as getting where I am today is the best change I have ever made and the most focused I have ever been in my life.  I will not let this go