Harsh reality paid me a visit

We just happened to be flicking through channels last night and we stopped on Channel fours embarrassing Bodies.  This inst a channel we normally watch, but my friend mentioned it the previous night so we decided to give it a go.

Randomly, there was a piece about some relatives with the genetic BRCA1 mutation.  There were 3 women, all at different phases of discovery.  There was the Aunty, whose mother had died from breast cancer and carried the gene, and there were her 2 nieces; whose father carried the gene.

The Aunty had opted for double mastectomy and full hysterectomy.  The older of the two nieces had found out she had the mutated gene so opted to have full mastectomy with reconstruction straight after and then her sister, she had yet to discover if she had it.

The Aunts double mastectomy had been a disaster as she had gone through 7 failed reconstructions that left her in excruciating pain and horribly disfigured; so she opted for having a total removal. This helped her a lot with the pain but she was still considerably scarred up.

It showed the oldest sisters double mastectomy operation and crikey, its brutal.  They carried out an immediate reconstruction, but for some reason, it never crossed my mind that they would remove the nipple.  They use a sling made from pig skin to support the implant at the bottom but there is so much scarring.  I am also confused, I cant get my head around just how bad a job they did/do of the reconstructions.  Obviously, I'm not in the medical profession and have no understanding of how tricky it is to reconstruct a breast at this point but surely, there are better ways. than this.

I am quite a vain person, I like pretty things, I like things to look as good as possible.  I wouldn't break my back to sculpt my body every day of my life if I didn't.  Right now, grasping the concept of a double mastectomy and the aesthetic consequences of this, are sending me under.  Whilst this may seem big headed; I have great boobs.  I am incredibly lucky that they have remained fairly perky and they just have a fantastic shape. I have always been pretty proud of them and the shallow thought of them being replaced with something that, I would find repellent, is something I am really going to struggle with and could potentially have an enormous impact on my mental well being.  Its not like you can take it back, once the damage is done, it seemingly only gets worse when they try to fix it.

I am genuinely pretty let down by myself for taking this point of view, I think it is exacerbated by the fact I have never been close to anyone who has had cancer, so have no reality to draw from in that area.  I have realised that trying to get my head around it before I know is never going to happen.  I think what I have to do first is just mentally prepare myself for bad news and prepare myself for a huge amount of self reflection and soul searching off the back of it. My opinion before, was that I would definitely have the surgery if I have a positive result; I now see that that was an incredibly naive point of view and the impact goes way beyond what I imagined.

There is also the fact that if I do have it and go through with it, I will pretty much definitely never be a mother.  And even if I could be, I would never have the close bond of breast feeding to experience.   Tom and I have always said that if we decided we wanted kids and my body clock had done ticking then so be it.  However, that's totally different to opting to take away the chance totally...  I think I have buried my head in the sand and I am glad I had this wake up call.  It has made me realise I wasn't being balanced in my view point at all and I wasn't being realistic about who I am and how I think, that is going to take some time to work through.

I appreciate what I have written sounds harsh, especially if you are someone or know someone who has undergone a double mastectomy.  I am not saying these women are ugly at all, I judge myself very differently to how I judge others.  What I class as unbearable to me, would never make me draw that opinion of another person.  To me, I admire the women who have undergone this procedure even more than I did before.  It isn't just lumps of flesh that are going, they are part of who you are and who you have been for many years and is something that can rock your world in a million different ways.  My hat goes off to their bravery, every single day and i only hope that I can be that strong if it comes to that.

Voodoo doll

A slight exaggeration... I went to a new physio tonight, my mate Jo recommended him. He is the physio her cross fit gym use so he is well used to broken and battered bodies.

I wanted to go as my SI joint is still niggling away and my sternum is still causing me pain under load.

He reviewed all my issues and laughed at how I managed to sustain these issues and then he did some mobility checks.

He deduced that I have a fair few issues to be going at but the worst of the lot is my psoas on my right hand side. This is what I hurt doing a head stand when I was in agony for  week and it also explains the pain I got after walking around Edinburgh in high heels!

I am also really tight in my quadratus lumborum on the opposite side and my deltoid on the right, which is unsurprising as that is where my neck locks up quite regularly.

Then he started on the acupuncture.. I'm not sure of you have ever had it before, I thought I had, but nothing could've prepared me for this! He pushes the needle into the muscle, it felt like it was miles in there, not sure of it was as I didn't dare look. It felt like my kidney had gone into spasm and was insanely painful. It turns out that is my pissed off muscle getting really mad and grabbing a hold of the needle. He would then ease the needle in and out until the muscle released its spasm..

But that was just the start, he then took on the psoas.. This was a whole different world of pain! Every time he pulled the needle out it felt like the muscle was vibrating. This was all the scar tissue rubbing over the needle as it was being broken down, the aim of this is to improve the circulation to the damaged muscle to help it heal properly.

Now, I'm normally really good at dealing with pain and this pushed my boundaries. It's not just the pain, it's the sensation hat really adds to the whole sensation, but there were definitely a couple of occasions I was nearly telling him to stop.. So I'm there again next Wednesday!

Still grotty!

I managed the morning in the office and had to come home, I still feel rubbish and sitting up just seems to make my tummy more painful

Been reading about how to strengthen my legs and feet for running and one suggestion was bare foot training in the gym and then this of course pointed me in the direction of Vibrams.

I know they have had a huge amount of bad press at the min but aside of that, I have read some great independent reviews and, as I had been having a small amount of success from running on my toes, I thought I might as well look into these. My training will have to be slow and steady anyway so I might as well train my body with these at the same time. A lot of people report that, even though the feet get sore, they see a marked decrease in joint pain.

I am desperate to get cracking with our latest goals, being ill is doing my head in!

Ran out

It was the 10mile Total Warrior challenge yesterday and boy can I feel it today. It's was such great fun, the weather was tragic but my running was far worse.

Half way round the course there was a 4 mile fell run, not only have I never run 4 miles in my life, I have certainly never run it through marsh land. I was so disappointed with my performance on this bit, I am tending to overlook how well I actually did.

It took a total of 2hrs 50 something to complete it and I was 57th female in my category of 300 odd. Which is pretty good for my first ever attempt but I am sorely disappointed with my run effort, even if I didn't train I expected to be better than that!

So, our new goal is to get amazing at these events; sounds amazingly simple put like that!

I do have to bear in mind the possibility of major surgery in my life, but for now we are planning with what we do know. Currently that is that we have counselling appointment on 29th and blood test soon after if that's the way I opt to go.

Today I'm sick with a tummy bug going round the office, which is do much fun!

Looking forward to switching up our training, always an adventure and so much to learn

And it goes on

I have a feeling a lot of my time will be taking up around the BRCA1 thought process for a while.  Some might say that its crazy until you know for sure, this is me though and I like to be able to plan for all eventualities; even if it is a pointless exercise.

I still feel that a lot of my concerns lie around the implications of early onset and sudden menopause on my body.  The thought of being cut open and having major surgery is also a concern, but I do know that an oopherectomy can be done by keyhole surgery so the recover time is much less.

There are so many issues when it comes to what the menopause can bring, thinning of bones is one as on my fathers side there is a history of osteoporosis in his sister and mothers.  I do quite a lot of physical activity, which helps, but I also have a totally sedentary job for five days of the week, which doesn't help.

I know that there are treatments that you can take to alleviate all of the symptoms and side effects, but I hate the idea of that too; although I am not naive enough to think that they can all be avoided.  i have read about women suffering from horrific joint pain, something I suffer with a lot of the time anyway and if that were to get worse then it wouldn't be great.  But I suppose I could look at it in the fact that I am used to it already and have pretty good coping mechanisms in place.

I have so much reading to do and understanding to get in before we go and see the counsellor, I want to make sure I have got all the most useful and in depth questions at hand as humanly possible, I want her to fill in gaps rather than present me with new questions.

It will go on, I imagine it will be a quite well visited subject on here by the time I get to the appointment!

Warrior!

During some crazy lapse of sanity, Tom, Holly and I decided that we should take part in Total Warrior. This idea was planted in my head by my bad ass friend Joanne.

Joanne is hardcore when it comes to exercise, fitness and suffering and she insisted that we do the 10 mile version of this hell, instead of the 10k lesser hell. She subsequently decided she would rather do super human, an entirely different kind of torture, so isn't even going to be there to bully me round!

As the day is drawing closer, the reality of my lack of preparation is screaming in my face. The run up to wedding totally took over our life, so this got forgotten and it's this Sunday.  Ah.

I fear that I will not make it out unscathed, my body of glass doesn't adapt well to change. Something to do though hey!

BRCA1 time

A while ago I talked about the BRCA1 gene that my mother carries, it is the gene that has hit the news with Angelina Jolie and Michelle Heaton having both had a double mastectomy and soon to have hysterectomy I believe. It is known to drastically increase the carriers chances of suffering from a beast or ovarian cancer.

With my mother carrying the gene, there is a 50/50 chance that my sister or myself may too have the gene and we have finally decided to go an discuss the possibility of having the blood test to discover if we do.

We will be going to see the specialist in around 6 to 8 weeks to discuss the implications surrounding the results and then decide is we want to know.

A lot of people's knee jerk reactions are "how can you not have found out already?" but when you actually factor in the reality of knowing, then it makes you sit back and think.

If I do decide to go ahead with finding out, which presently I'm pretty sure I will, then I have to make sure that I have all my options clear in my head. The strain in our family is mostly ovarian, so the decision would be to have a double oophorectomy. Not only is this major surgery, it also means that I will go through a very sudden onset menopause and will definitely not be able to have children without intervention. Tom and I currently don't want children, there is simply no room or want for them right now and we aren't sure there ever will be. However, having the choice taken away from you is a hugely different thing and something that would personally be quite a heavy thought. There are options to freeze eggs etc, but that carries it own set of heartaches and risks.

From the thoughts I have had on the subject before, and now, my main concern is the affects of menopause on me and my personality and long term affects of going through it so early. There is a lot to consider and I have a lot to read up on before seeing the specialist, so that I can get as much as I can from the meeting.

I am choosing to focus on all the positives in this situation, even if I were to be a carrier of the gene and I am hoping that this continues. Easy to write, doubt it will be so easy in reality.

The one you've all been waiting for

The reason it has taken me so long to write this is because I have been trying to work out the words to do it justice. I have drawn the conclusion that I don't have them, this was the occasion that instigated the creation of this blog and everything Tom and I have been working to for the last 12 months... Our wedding of course,  and it was out of this world.

It really was like a fairy tale and I don't normally speak like that. I was so worried about the weather and things not working but not one single thing was a problem. We were very, very lucky. I couldn't have done it all without Tom being as involved as he was and the day most definitely wouldn't have run as smoothly if my incredibly well organise and directional friend Nic hadn't taken the bull by the horns and organised the hell out of everyone one the day. She was a super star

This is truly an example of a picture speaks a thousands words, I have to say that I feel blessed and I love my husband more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person 

The building of the masterpiece.  This was so much fun

Such an amazing structure, basically held together by pressure and a little bit of magic I think!

the beginning of the internal beautifications

     

The centre window of the yurt just adds to the whole enchanting experience of the place

  

I was so please with the outcome of the table layouts, I was worried they would look a little bare but the magnificent sweet peas supplied to us by my parents friend; just brought everything to life.  He grows them for competitions and we cleared his stock out the day before.  What a super star

 

Wow, every time I see this picture I remember just how breathtaking the garden was, is and always will be. This was the reason we chose to have everything and home, because no matter where we looked, there isn't a single place that could've been so utterly beautiful and perfect (and free!)

The hairdresser was less than impressed that I was eating croissant and then touching my hair! CRUMBS!!! 

The terrible trio. The incredible Reuben in the middle there. he conducted our ceremony and what an incredibly unique and perfect performance he gave.  He is a wonderfully talented man, so full of life and excitement and the whole day wouldn't have been the same without him.  Tom's bother John on the right, he was Tom's best man and gave an hilarious speech.. he also provided 2 of the three bridesmaids!

Tom's incredible mother.  Her strength and determination throughout everything the world throws at her never ceases to amaze me.  She is someone I constantly look up to and if I manage to be half the person she is in my life then I will be incredibly happy.  She gave a heart wrenching speech that broke the entire gathering, it was straight from the heart and so, so beautiful and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.  Even Jonathan my photographer was welling up! 

 

I love this picture.  When i chose to have a little bistro table for Tom and myself, it was purely because I couldn't fit another full table in.  We weren't convinced it would work but it was so perfect.  it make me feel peaceful when I look at it

My bloody awesome cake, made by my incredibly talented and oh so permanently busy sister.  She was putting the finishing touches to it around midnight the night before.  Because I wanted buttercream icing, the cake has to be made and iced last thing.  She also has a 4 month old baby and 2 lively children to entertain whilst doing this. Amazing 

Her and mum also made a million little cupcakes and iced those the night before. I looked at so many cake designs and I am so pleased I went for this in the end.  I found the silk flowers months ago and the colour and the fit were spot on.

My beautiful sister and a hungry Thomas

And the superstar in blue is +Nicola Renshaw the reason my day went so incredibly well.  We genuinely couldn't have done it without her and the effort and stress it must've taken for her to have so much responsibility and pull it off to perfection, I just cant imagine.  I have so much respect for this lady, we are so, so similar in so many ways and I have never met another female that I have ever felt so easily connected with.  Yet something else I am blessed with. The lovely flowery lady is Lisa, she was the lucky catcher of the bouquet. She is Toms friends, girlfriend and was the first time we had met her and she is a great girl.

My awesome ladies.  I have been friends with these girls for YEARS!! Jo on the far left and Rachel who has the flowery dress and sunglasses on, have been with me since the dawn of time I think.  We have had all the normal adventures that kids have and then some pretty frickin non normal adventures if I'm truly honest. The beautiful Mrs Gibbs in the short flowery dress came into my life through Jo, she is the hugely talented hand that created my wonderful guest board and the stunning Emma on the right was introduced to me through Rachel.  We have all grown so much in the time we have known each other and we have seen each other struggle and come out the other side, more times than I care to imagine. They have brought so much to my world and have shaped my life beyond anything imaginable.  I actually get a little choked up trying to express what they mean to me, words cant explain that, it something you can only understand if you have friends in the same way yourelf.

And what can I tell you about Amy on the left.  Amy is my friend through the stupid hobby that we both share; horse riding.  It is incredibly rare to see Amy out of jodhpurs and with her hair down, so much so, i thought I had a stranger at my wedding when I saw her in the crowd; and doesn't she look fantastic!  She didn't do anything with her hair other than wash it; hands up who is jealous!. I don't have many horsey friends and Amy is the only one I need.  She has helped me out incredibly with the horses I have now and is yet another little blessing in my life.  Sophie on the right, this is Amys best friend and another bloody brilliant woman.  She creates masterpieces out of bones, she engraves them and as a wedding present ot us, she is creating something from the pigs head; I am soooo excited to see this, what a wonderful way to commemorate the tasty, tasty pig that gave his life to feed the masses

Quite possibly one of my favourite pictures of all time.  This was during Toms speech and was just after his toast to his father. We used the port that was purchased for Tom when he was very young; as Adrian couldn't be with us, Tom felt it would be a fantastic gesture and it truly was. This picture reflects, not only relief for Tom (speech out of the way) but a deep and meaningful moment to reflect on the times that Tom has had with his father and what an incredibly huge part of him he is.  

THE BAND!

We looked at a few options for the band, I wanted Irish style as that always gets people dancing.  These guys are outstanding, lovely guys and bloody brilliant too.  So lively and brought the atmosphere I was desperate to achieve.  it also helped that Jonathan, our photographer, knows them and plays harmonica with them sometimes so he joined in for the knees up for a good few songs.

 

Toms button hole.  I made these the night before, one for each of the guys and each one was different.  Toms was special though as we managed to preserve a few of the seasons forget me nots and I used these around the seed head that was the main feature.  Forget me nots are the symbol that the alzheimer's society use so we felt it was another way of holding his dad close to his heart during the ceremony.

Our wonderful little hashtag signs, Reuben is a designer and printer by trade so made us these up. So great for instagram

Some more flowers from the garden, wired up for my hair.  They were brilliant and lasted out the day.

So, back to reality for us now and on to our next challenge..... watch this space! 

Nearly there!

Only 4 days to go,  including today. I am so glad I took the week before off, it means I have finally got the opportunity to concentrate on our wedding and get well and truly excited.

I had my little bridezilla moment a couple of days ago because it had gone so cold and I made the mistake of doing the one thing I said I wouldn't... Checked the weather! The forecast isn't amazing still, but it is a lot better than it was and I have had the opportunity to buy some warm layers to go on, just in case. My tolerance to cold is pathetic and if I am cold on the day then that's me done! We also had a monsoonesque downpour on Friday night that absolutely obliterated all of the flowers. So mum and dad have been working furiously to repair that and they seem to be winning, so fingers crossed that won't be happening again!

Holiday clothes shopping complete and now we are sat waiting to see the dentist. I'm having my crown done properly, a cost I could've done without! And we are also having a good old fashioned hygienist appointment each to make sure our pearly whites are iridescent for the day. I HATE the hygienist and I have a 45min appointment as it's my first.. Ouch

So, I doubt I will be updating before the wedding. I hope you're all thinking of me and thanks for following me this far. When I return, it will be a new fitness goal I am aiming for. We have Total Warrior a clue of weeks after the wedding but my new goals are going to be focused around flexibility still and I am determined to created some sculpted abs, once and for all. I am aiming to have some decent definition by Christmas, we are hoping to go to Thailand for 3 weeks and I want to be able to merrily strut my stuff for then!

I will need to think of  a new title for my blog and I intend on creating a website instead of using blogger as it's limitations are frustrating me.. So back to the drawing board for names it is, and I need a new nickname! Exciting times xx

How do you eat yours?

This is regularly my lunchtime view at the moment and I love it. Being by water is so relaxing and there is something even more relaxing about being near a little oasis when there is city life all around, it feels like you are cheating your hectic day out of destroying you! 

Only one week left of office life before I can shake it off and really get into wedding mode! Getting really excited so can't wait to not have the hindrance of work messing things up.  

I think we are pretty much good to go as far as prep goes,  just a few little bits to finalise which is good.  I really want to compete on Sunday as it will be my last chance until we come back from holiday and I want to compete at the annual breed show in August, so need to get some practice in. 

Let the countdown begin I say!  

Panic over

Quite why I never thought to buy a dress from a normal online fashion shop before is a mystery. My replacement arrived from ASOS yesterday  and I absolutely  love it. Best of all,  and the motivation behind me starting this blog, my body is pretty much exactly how I wanted it to be and the new dress accentuates all my good bits brilliantly.

I have actually ordered a petite version as the one I ordered is so long that I would have to wear heels on the day and that is something I would prefer to avoid where possible!

I also made great progress with the lounge, I had a brain wave for finishing off the curtain and it looks great. I feel like I can finally get excited again and leave the stress behind which is perfect and I am sooooo glad I tried everything on when I did. Not long now!

3 weeks to find a dress

Well, it wouldn't be right if there wasn't a bit of drama with something that I am involved in would it!?  i went and had my second hair trial last night, my first went pretty well and she created a beautiful style, but it dawned on me as I was driving home, that it just wasn't me.  So, I had to go back last night and try a totally different style; which I now love.

I thought it would be a good idea to try everything on then so i could get an idea of how it would all look together... and boy, am I glad that I did!!  I have decided I really don't like my dress!! what a nightmare, I now have 3 weeks to find something else.  My problem is that I'm not really a dress wearer.  i love my trousers and shorts and if I do wear a dress; its normally a short one.

Last night basically involved me having a serious melt down and trying to get my head around the fact that its only a dress!! and that I will find something else.  I contacted the woman that adjusted it for me to see if she could make some changes for me; but she said it was beyond her and gave me another woman's number who may be able to help.  The problem with that is, how much will it cost and I may not like it! so I need to have a backup plan.

Happy with my body, not happy with my dress.. damn it!!

Stress belly!

This is something I have suffered with my entire life, doctors told my mum that I would probably suffer with migraines as i got older; thank heavens for small mercies, it has never stopped being belly ache.

I say belly, it is lower abdomen, so the intestines really and its a dull ache that spreads into a stabbing pain and it always comes after something that I have built up to be a stressful event.  I had a meeting that I was worried about on Friday and this is the target this time. When the stressful situations are ongoing, it tends to come out in my skin too and this is also happening to me at the minute! I have never had a spot on my back in my life and they just keep on coming and I always get them around my chin when I am stressed and they are coming at me in force.  The problem with that is, it is a vicious circle as I am now getting stressed off the back of having spots for my wedding!

As hard as I am trying, the weather is currently playing a big part in my unnecessary stress circle!  As the wedding is in the garden, a lot of the day for me revolves around how beautiful it is and i want people to be out there enjoying it and i want loads of fantastic picture's of it on the day too.  However, I don't think I have ever known the ground as wet as it is at the minute, in June!  there is water lying everywhere, the fields at the horses are like it is at the end of autumn normally and it just doesn't seem to be stopping.  Granted, this means that everything is beautifully lush, but no one will be able to get out there to appreciate it and if they do, it will be a mud bath.

So many silly things to gt my knickers in a twist about; i really do need to get grip of myself! I font feel outwardly stressed, but then maybe that's the issue.  I'm not making the most of my usual, 'exuberant' , get it all out there, good for your health approach to stress!

Haters don't really hate you..

In fact, they hate themselves because you're a reflection of what they wish to be. Great quote.

Its not that people feel the need to pass regular comment and take the piss out of me for being healthy; that bit I just pity them for.  The bit that really gets me is that they don't consider, for one second, how they would take it if I turned the tables on them.

Can you imagine, whilst someone was chowing down on their highly anticipated pie and chips for lunch, I sit there and tell them how gross it looks and express my inability to even consider eating it as I want to enjoy my food or when they unveil their latest lardy post lunch time conquest; I feel the need to pass uninvited, judgemental comments.. I would be in so much trouble.  Its strange how they interpret healthy eating as boring and disgusting, yet what actually happens is that you get extra enjoyment from it as you have the added mental boost in the fact that you are feeding your body properly and aiding its peak function. And, even better, when you do treat yourself to something naughty; its tastes exquisite.  Its totally transformed my palate.

The comments I get pointed in my direction are generally during conversations that I'm not even a part of.  I pretty much keep my eating habits and opinions to myself, unless someone else brings it up and asks me about it. At that point, I am going to give my brutally honest opinion because they have asked me for it, but I would never involuntarily say anything as that's just disrespectful and serves no purpose.  Its ridiculous that people misinterpret their inability to be a better person in many ways and translate that as bitterness towards someone who is going out of their way to be the best version of themselves possible.

Perhaps if, as a society, it was deemed as far less socially acceptable to eat unhealthy food and live a generally unhealthy lifestyle; there would be far less strain on the NHS service from avoidable illnesses.

In other news, I've managed to screw up my neck! I decided I wasn't happy with a single body weight pull up anymore, I wanted MORE! My neck wasn't quite so keen. Luckily, I already had a back appointment booked in with David, so here I am. Slightly delayed so sat waiting to go in, he really must despair of me!

Still feeling good on the different macro balance. I don't purposefully aim to do the 50:30:20 split, it just seems to be how I naturally eat and I'm happy with that.

In even more exciting news.... I can see an AB!! One, beautiful little abdominal muscle and it isn't covered in fat and has its very own definition! Its at the very top and I will get a pic asap. I officially have a one pack, wooo!! Progress

The unheard of occured

We took a day off the gym this morning!!  we are both rally struggling, we cycled in on Monday, Tuesday was wieghts and Wednesday Tom decided to proclaim that we should do abs.  Well, I have quite a few spectacular abs moves up my sleeve so we executed these, I would like to say with style, but that would be a massive lie!!

Yesterday neither of us could even sit up properly to get out of bed, so we opted to do legs; unfortunately Tom's knee was playing up so we switche to a stretching session, which I love anyway. We finished off with some handstand practice, oh how I laughed!!

I think as a girl you take for granted that you know how to carry out a handstand, even if you arent capable of doing one.  Tom had a great time trying to get into his handstand, and to make matters worse, I couldn't help him back to earth safely as i was laughing so much.  He wasnt keeping his arms straight so kind of plopped his bum onto the wall and then trid topush himself up from there.  Ambitious to say the least and also incredibly amusing to us both, even if i wasnt doing my job and keeping him safe!  We got there in the end though.

My back was pinching a little last night and Tom's knees where still bothering him, so we opted for a rest day and took Sammy to the park in the rain instead.

Switching my diet around a little bit has made me feel a whole lot better.  I have basically stopped aiming for the macros I had set myself and just concentrated on  eating what I want as long as it falls within my calorie limit and it clean food.  I am making sure I am getting plenty of wholegrain fiber and vegetables and I have cut out dairy, for now anyway.  I think i am just more suited to paying attention to what my body wants and doing it that way.  It is what I have had the most success with anyway.  An example from yesteday is I was 52% carbs, 29% fat and 19% protein and I felt great and for the first time in quite a while I am back at 140lbs so I am just going to go with that qnd stop obsessing so much.

Some super tasty spelt roman loaf. Homemade of course, I cant get enough of it and its so simple to make, if not a little messy!

Yummy tea, with a couple of exciting additions.  Venison left over from the weekend and the Kohlrabi that I bought from Unicorn the other day. This is one of my new favourites, so sweet and crisp! 

Much to my musement, I managed to shell a coconut and leave the inside entact.  So behold, a naked coconut

Spelt pasta with turkey burgers and the ever favourite peas!

In other good news, I feel like the rescue remedy is really helping me keep a good firm grip on my sanity!!  

Meet the faaamily

This weekend was all about Toms family and mine meeting up properly before the wedding. The kids from each side wanted to meet each other and my dad hasn't met everybody either. The weather was absolutely glorious which meant out bbq plans were perfect.

Tom and I were out riding super early on sat morning so that we could get everything done, and it was just fantastic. The weather was heavenly and everywhere was so peaceful. It's days like that that make all the cold and miserable days involved in owning horses worthwhile.

The meet up went incredibly well and everyone got on brilliantly. I left them all to it about 10.30 as I made the fatal mistake of drinking before 3 and that never goes well for me! I get a hangover about 8 in the evening and that's me done then. Tom came to bed about 2 this morning and boy was he rough today!! He woke up and was immediately sick and then came to help me do the horses and have a lesson so his family could get top see him ride. Needless to say, he was desperate to get to bed after lunch and spent the entire afternoon there! I was slightly more productive and spent the afternoon sleeping in the garden, which is looking spectacular now.

The girls happily munching after their morning workout

So, the diet has been pretty terrible this weekend but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. Instead I intend to cycle it off tomorrow.

For a few reasons, the main of which I don't really wish to publicise; I am going top start concentrating on following an anti inflammatory diet. This is only beneficial in the long run and my current dirty shouldn't take to much tweaking anyway. The main thing is to increase the amount of leafy greens I consume and cut back on saturated fat, bye bye morning yogurt! I need top concentrate on getting my vegetables back into my diet properly again too! We do tend to get a little lacks in this area but now I have found unicorn I have a huge supply of local and organic food so there is no excuse really!

What dreams are made of!

There is a co op grocery shop in Manchester call Unicorn Grocery that I have heard mentioned by a few people, as they stock a lot of the sort of food I enjoy.. Food I see as normal but it isn't mainstream it would seem.  Sugar free foods, local fruit and veg, personal products that don't contain chemical crap etc etc.  I have always assumed it was too tricky to get to but decided to check the other day and it is a simple 10 min drive from the office... Well, how much do I wish I had been before!! The place is heavenly!!

You walk in to all the fresh veg, the labels tell you what they are and where they are sourced from; the majority being local which is brilliant. Then to the left is the fruit, lots of different types that you wouldn't see in most supermarkets, as is with the veg.  I just love the opportunity to try new things and introduce seasonal produce where possible.  They have all the misshaped products that aren't deemed fit for the shelf in mainstream, which also frustrates the life out of me.  The products I looked at were also all organic and, whilst I am rubbish at taking cost into account if it is something I really want, it didn't seem outrageously priced.

Once through the veg, you are presented with a fridge full of sugar free treats and raw chocolate goods.  This fridge is also home to containers of sprouted everything!! Rows of veggie burgers, tofu in all different shapes, sizes and flavours. So many more incredible things I can't remember.. And then, you are faced with the belly of the beast that is FULL of produce I love! Shelf after shelf of nut butters, sugar free jams, syrups of every variety, eco friendly house products, fruit, nuts, flours, alternative and gluten free EVERYTHING. They have a deli counter that serves so many amazing looking salads and fresh breads of all kinds!

Seriously, I would move house just to have this as my corner shop. I am undeniably in love with a shop, it has answered all my wishes!!  I will now be a regular, I was kind of blinded by stock yesterday so need to go back and do a wall at a time so I miss nothing!  One awesome find was broken cashews, they cost £3.79 for a kilo, where unbroken ones would be over £10.. What is wrong with people?! Who cares if they are damaged?! And they are absolutely perfect for me to make mountains of cheap cashew butter!! I'm officially a geek!!

If your in the Chorlton area, you have to visit this place!

That'll teach me

I boldly made a statement in the office in Friday; one that I knew I would regret the minute I said it. They were all merrily munching away on chocolate and I proclaimed that the reason they were always being sick and I wasn't was because they ate crap and I didn't.  Bold move considering everyone had been getting sick in the office recently, I must be riding the wave of arrogance I seemed to have developed after managing to fight through a few other office epidemics! Sat evening after having tea, my tummy started to complain a little and was quite grumbly and then it hit me about 2 in the morning. The virus that had been going around had got me, and it had got me good!

Its my tummy and head that are suffering, I ate a couple of rice cakes yesterday and then decided I just needed something substantial as it felt as if my digestive system had ground to a halt. I hasn't felt hungry all day which sets alarm bells of all over the place but I just felt I had to try. So I opted for something that most people probably avoid at the best of times but I just craved pasta and butter, so that's what I had. It helped quite a lot but not with the headache. When I move I feel like my head is splitting, if I stay still then it's not so bad.  I have just made myself a coffee as I do find that helps, so we shall see but pain killers aren't touching it. I have so much to do in the office too and Mondays are fairly busy as far add meetings go! I just couldn't face driving.

Onwards with recovery and let's get back to it, I should've expected something to take me out of training hard, I've had way to good a run!

Meal replacement

This is something I never expected I would contemplate, mainly because I absolutely love eating. So its not just a nourishment thing, its also an enjoyment thing.

There is one main reason I have been considering going down this route for a least once a day and its time.  Whilst I absolutely love thinking about, prepping and making healthy meals; its incredibly time consuming.  I'm not the type of person that can have the same thing, day after day so planning what to have takes time. Not long granted, but my time is in incredibly high demand.  It takes me time because I like to consider my macro balance through the day as well as calorie intake. 

Before Tom took his job in town, I could send him my macro balance for the day and what I wanted lunch to have in it and he would make something amazing from it. He simply doesn't have time now. 

The reason I have not gone down this route sooner is the fact that most main stream meal replacements seem to contain unnecessary rubbish.  By this, I mean artificial sweeteners, bulking agents and thickeners.  For me, the meal replacement had to be about getting optimum nutrition from a healthy source, fast. I wasn't even that bothered about the palatability of the product as it tasting good wasn't its purpose.

I finally found a product that I felt was suitable. It was on a Google + link from a group I follow.  Garden of Life, raw meal.  The one I have opted for isn't flavoured as I always found that powders I have tasted in the past that stress flavored have a really bizarre chemical aftertaste, it also contains only organic and none GMO (still an area I am undecided about) ingredients and works out at just under £2 a meal and under 300 calories. It does still contain things that I'm not convinced are entirely necessary, but it seems to be the last offensive I can find. The site is also really to find everything you want and doesn't make any effort to hide any of the ingredients lays like a lot of sites do.

It arrived on Wednesday and I was fully prepared for it to taste utterly vile, but I was pleasantly surprised. It doesn't smell brilliant but has a not unpleasant earthy taste. It first reminds me of peas and broccoli. It contains very little fat, so I need to keep an eye on getting that right.  I can use olive oil on salads and make the most of avocado and nuts and get my fat like that. Keep my snacking smart basically. I have used it as lunch for the last two days and it had been so convenient. I don't immediately feel full but if I am patient I do after about twenty mins.

So basically, watch this space!

Realisation

I have just spent half an hour writing a post that reminded me so much of the person I used to be, the person who lacked focus and rational thought and I don't like that. I was back and to with contradiction and seemed scared to acknowledge my true opinion as it wasn't one formed by intelligence, which is something I have worked hard on recently.  On the positive slant to that, I have recognised it and will address it.  

All my thoughts are disjointed at the minute due to time pressures. I just need to regroup and refocus on the important things in my life.  Everyone has hiccups, its the way you deal with them that shapes you and I feel proud when I acknowledge something like this as it proves progress of awareness if nothing more.

I have been indulging the #100daysofhappiness craze that is on Twitter and Instagram and its been great, there are so many amazing things in my life and around me that I do already appreciate, but this just makes me think about them more.  As a tongue in cheek side line to this, my friend and I are doing #100daysofbitterness.  This sounds quite anti what I am trying to achieve, but I think that it is naive to assume that there is never anything negative in your life and Jo and I see this as an amusing thing so if anything, it is pulling something positive out of parts of our lives that we aren't happy with and its acknowledging that its OK to have bad bits because the good bits look even better then!

We have found a meal replacement that we are happy with and it should be delivered tomorrow.  I shall go into more detail and why we opted for this in another post as I am running out of lunch break now.  Its beautiful out here by the water and I have found myself a little sun trap. I could merrily curl up and have a nap!! Hey ho, back to it!!

1. Two new arrivals on the farm. Things like this never fail to make you smile! 

Negativity

This is something that comes so naturally to me, that's its a permanently ongoing battle to stop myself slipping back into bad habits.

I have worked really hard on this side of myself as, not only is it destructive, it is draining on the soul. I have been doing really well, my change in eating and lifestyle has contributed to the success no end. What I have found is that, along with losing the focus I have talked about in a few of my recent post, I have lost the ease with which the positivity is coming to me.

One of my worst negative traits, and one I know a considerable number of people struggle with is envy.  You lose focus on what u have and spend all your time focusing on what others have that you don't. Its such a stupid and pointless thing, it irritates me just thinking about it.  The biggest one for me is around horses, I lost my superstar a couple of years ago. He was a jumping machine, my ladies are truly amazing but they don't have the scope to go out and do the things I really enjoy, through no fault of their own I might add.  I had a brilliant day out with Lara yesterday, just getting her back into competing after being off all winter, but we are rarely in with a chance competitively and I struggle with that.  Its not because she is useless or naughty, she is just incredibly laid back and I have to be careful how much I ask of her due to old injuries she sustained as a baby.  I get so focused on how it makes other people view me, that I lose sight of what it is we are actually achieving.

This horse had a broken leg at a week old, sustained a further injury to her other leg whilst being treated for the break and was semi paralysed for months and affected by it forever. We have been close to having her put to sleep for numerous reasons on numerous occasions and we were told she would be crippled with arthritis by the time she was 7 and she is now almost 10.

Its funny what comes easily in life is normally a bad thing. I'm in a bit of a rut, I'm annoyed by it because I'm in an amazing place with amazing things happening. I'm working on it again though and I need to remember this whilst building myself back to a good place.  Its just another reminder that you should never take anything for granted!!

Anyway, just enjoying a beautiful avocado with pastrami and we had a great ride in, weather is amazing and everything is going well for the wedding!! Such an ungrateful madam!

its all about the wedding

As planned, this week has all been about getting on top of wedding stuff and that is exactly what we have done. We have got absolutely loads done and definitely made the most of our time.  Its amazing  just how long the fiddly little bits take and there are still loads of things we can't do just yet.

We have done a trail run on the tables and we're really pleased with the outcome, we were a little weird at first that it was little bear but adding in the plants made a heap of difference.  I really struggle to see past things which is why I have to do a full on trial run with things.  Is really exciting seeing all of or ideas come together and as the garden grows it becomes more am more obvious that is all going to look amazing!

Tom testing out his artistic talent

Me testing out mine!

I have been feeling like I have lost focus on my fitness and diet recently, I don't really know why but I just don't feel on track.  I think there are a few contributory factors; Toms new job means that he doesn't get home until much later now so doesn't have the time he did to prepare tea and free up time to make lunches, I had that spell when hurt my back and could do nothing, I am still recovering from that and my job is such hard work at the minute that the last thing I want to do with any spare time is have a good think about what I am going to eat or what macros I was short of.  It really takes a huge amount of effort to plan healthy eating, the frustrating thing is its something I love spending the time on.  I assumed that my job stress wasn't having a negative impact on me, this week off has proven otherwise and just shows that I really need to get a grip of it all fast.

This week we have concentrated on diet again and I do feel a lot better, the problem is that I go back on Monday and have a feeling it will all just start again.  For some reason I hate doing meal plans ahead of time, I like to wait and see what inspires me on the day.  I have been having a lot more fresh fruit again with my breakfast which I think has made me feel a lot better..  I have had mortally worse mood swings this month and been sooo irritable, this is soothing I haven't suffered with in such a long time an is just another indication to me that I need to get back on it.  We are also going to try and do my mate Jo's  boot camp every Wednesday evening, see how my body copes. I really miss this sort of exercise and feel I am ready to try once more, I will make sure that I don't attempt any of the exercises that I know will aggravate my issues as its just not worth it.

Beautiful tuna steak with homemade rocket pesto 

Cheeky treat, there's fruit so must be OK

fantastic homemade chilli with gleuten free bread.

first attempt of savoury, chilli cornbread. Superb

Toms artistic flare takes flight once more

Tonights tea, turkey and chickpea meat balls with yogurt and mint sauce. Love this combo

Its been great to get the opportunity to think about food again and focus on things that i enjoy again.  It really needs to be operation sort my head out now.  The week out has definitely been a wake up call for me so i am going to do my best to stay awake!